This is an old AP Lit assignment from senior year of high school. The premise was to write a satire. You might notice I was greatly influenced by The Onion and its more ‘progressive’ horoscope method…
Your Weekly Horoscope
Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
by Feldman J. Ruddermaker
Certified Astrologer,
International Astro-Illogical AssociationTM
(March 21-April 19)
Ruler: Mars – Body: Head and face, upper jaw – Element: Fire
The moons show that April is the perfect month for a long ocean
voyage. Unfortunately for you and your shipmates, April is also the
perfect month for dysentery..
(April 20-May 20)
Ruler: Venus – Body: Throat and neck, upper esophagus – Element: Earth
Knowledge of all the mundane details of your job have never been
your forte, but your new career at the Blakely Nuclear Facility will
come to an end this Friday when, after feeling a touch famished, you
push the big red button that reads “Lunch.”
(May 21-June 21)
Ruler: Mercury – Body: Arms and hands, lungs – Element: Air
Your inability to distinguish among the major food groups will lead
you to suffer a rare dairy overdose.
(June 22-July 22)
Ruler: Moon – Body: Stomach, breasts, solar plexus – Element: Water
This week you will finally pitch your movie script, only to be
saddened by the fact that, apparently, your idea for a film about a
group of social misfits who “bust ghosts” has already been done.
(July 23-August 22)
Ruler: Sun – Body: Heart, spinal column, spleen, duodenum – Element: Fire
Upon your death later this week, you can take small comfort in the
fact that you will be immortalized at the office as “that idiot whose last
words were ‘Hey guys, watch this!’”
(August 23-September 22)
Ruler: Mercury – Body: Intestines, spleen, abdominal cavity – Element: Earth
No man is an island, but then again, if you keep gaining weight at
your current rate you might just become an isthmus.
(September 23-October 22)
Ruler: Venus Body: Kidneys, adrenals, skin ureters – Element: Air
Events this month will prove that you don’t know the meaning of
the word “fear.” Nor do you know meaning of the words:
“self-control,” “drinking problem,” or “DANGER! LANDMINES
AHEAD” (you’re also unfamiliar with “platypus”).
(October 23 – November 21)
Ruler: Mars/Pluto – Body: Generative organs, nasal bone, bladder, colon – Element: Water
You win the adulation of millions of screaming women on
“American Idol” with your unique rendition “Rainbow Connection,”
right after monkeys fly out of Simon Cowell’s ass.
(November 22-December 21)
Ruler: Jupiter – Body: Hips, sacral region, sciatic nerves – Element: Fire
You figure now is as good a time as any to challenge authority,
given that Mars is currently in your seventh house. However, you
really should leave North Korea the hell alone.
(December 22-January 19)
Ruler: Saturn – Body: Knees, hair, joints, bones – Element: Earth
Your attempt to hold a party in your pants is thwarted when the
noise-makers malfunction and the clown refuses to participate.
(January 20-February 18)
Ruler: Saturn/Uranus – Body: Circulation, lower leg, teeth – Element: Air
This week you’ll be under the influence of Uranus. Enough said?
(February 19-March 20)
Ruler: Jupiter/Neptune – Body: Feet, lungs, toes – Element: Water
The stars suggest that your personality is currently open to
change. Because of this, you simultaneously become hooked on
adventure, heroin, and phonics. They’ll find your body somewhere
near the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro with a blissful smile on your face,
a needle in your arm, and a flawlessly composed suicide note.
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